True Nature of this Spirit

Alone and iso­lated, I grew despon­dent. I didn’t care if the Navy broke my spirit. I hated the pain this spirit caused me. I hated the ten­sion it cre­ated in my life, between what’s in the flesh and what’s not, and the way it drove me to release this ten­sion. I hated this spirit—I hated it.

And yet, I found myself falling in love with the very same spirit. “How could this be?“ I won­dered. “How could I fall in love with what I couldn’t see?“ Yet the feel­ings I was expe­ri­enc­ing were unmis­tak­ably clear. After all, hadn’t I fallen in love with Mary for the very same rea­son, the love of some spirit I couldn’t see? Who was this spirit, which so skill­fully eluded my grasp? And why did I feel such a com­pul­sion to unite with it—with what I did not yet know?

Sud­denly, I felt an incred­i­ble hunger for self-​​knowledge. I wanted to know every­thing there was to know about myself. As tears welled up in my eyes, I felt excited about the prospect of get­ting to know myself from head to toe, inside and out. I looked for­ward to this new rela­tion­ship with my Self, like a new­found love. Impa­tient, I wanted the rela­tion­ship to develop more quickly than it was, for I’d been over­come by an insa­tiable desire to learn the true nature of this spirit.

“How amaz­ing is this spirit!“ I thought to myself. “Where just a moment ago, I felt depressed and even expressed hate for this spirit, I now felt hope.“