I was so overwhelmed by my own existential pain that, to this very day, I can recall little else about the trip back to Yokuska. O how I did long for a way out of the nightmare that haunted me, both day and night. O how I ached for the physical presence of Mary, as [...]
Then, one day, upon the breath of a sigh from Fate, Herself, were a number of new guys wafted onboard–reservists, like myself, who were still very much alive with the warmth and the feeling of their own humanity–a welcome sight for sore eyes. The first person I met was Greg. From Los Angeles, he was [...]
Having sat there in silence, for a few moments, I finally blurted out, “I didn’t know what else to do. I was so disappointed by the Navy’s failure to satisfy the insatiable longing for self-fulfillment, that has afflicted me since puberty, I could not bear the additional pain of the remorse I felt after having [...]
To make matters worse, a day or so later, I received a very disheartening letter from Mary. I had begun to wonder about her after her letters had grown fewer in number and farther apart, which wouldn’t have bothered me so much if she hadn’t been the only consistent relationship in my life at the [...]
Alone and isolated, I grew despondent. I didn’t care if the Navy broke my spirit. I hated the pain this spirit caused me. I hated the tension it created in my life, between what’s in the flesh and what’s not, and the way it drove me to release this tension. I hated this spirit—I hated [...]
In many ways, I was just like the other guys on the ship, for I was still too much into the habit of putting down my feelings—a pattern of behavior I’d acquired from my stepdad who, in turn, had acquired it from the temple priests of the Great Gray Mother. And like the others, I [...]
What I saw, in many of the crew, were men with broken spirits, hollow men who had sold their souls to the Great Gray Mother for a mere pittance. Having been granted the intoxicating drink they sought to ease their pain, and the favors of her prostitutes to satisfy their compulsion for soul as the [...]
Having reached the age of personal responsibility for myself, I suddenly inherited all the unresolved conflicts of my parents. Overnight, I grew just as incapable of relating with others, particularly the opposite sex, as my stepfather had, my mother. For when my mother rejected his sexual entreaties out of the very real fear she might [...]
What is real, I wondered, only that which I can see and physically touch? In the experience of my last post, I had only the validation of my own feelings and sense of hearing, but nothing tangible. Did that make this experience any less real? Or is there an intangible side to reality, that is [...]
